Lifestyle

Random Ramblings – Live in Yellow


Well, it took me just a few minutes to write this blog post, and in those few minutes of typing, I shared how no one cares or thinks about you as much as you think, moving on to how I’m not nearly smart enough to get involved. All the coffee shop conversations were happening around me and starting to quibble about how it took over everything in me so I wouldn’t have to go next door to get a giant cracker with cheese to make. turned in my latest therapy session. Needless to say, today’s focus doesn’t go in the same direction. What you should take away from this is this: I’m going to the store next door to get cookies and while you might think my first statement about other people doesn’t think about you as much as you think what they do is harsh, it’s true and it’s also very comfortable if you touch it.

Don’t mistake my words for: no one loves you or cares about you. I’m 99.99% that’s not true. BUT. Hear my words like the thought you’re putting into your everyday outfit, the decision you’re about to make about your job move, or if the pillows on your couch should be green tree or blue, no one sees it as big as deal like you do. Do with it what you want [go naked, take the job offer, and green, choose green]but maybe ask yourself what would you do differently right now if you didn’t do it for the sake of what you think other people would think because even though they might think about it for about 2 seconds, it won’t go any further than that. until they come back to decide what color OF THEM pillow should be. That’s how the word “think” is used a lot. Continue.

Blame the cafe environment for the poignancy. It’s a side effect of other people talking about religion, culture, parenting, job satisfaction and other stuff that I don’t understand.

Another big thing on my mind – kids. This happens in periods where I think about it more than others, but something about turning 36 in a few months is bringing a new pressure of time that, up until this point, I really don’t feel or think about it. In my 15 years of marriage, I enjoyed living in a gray space – a space where I had a sense of freedom to exist so I didn’t feel like I had to rely on one way or another. But with each passing month, I began to feel this question pop into my head “at what point does gray turn to black and white – yes or no, this or that?” type of situation. Something is telling me that at some point the decision will be made without actively giving a voice and intentionally naming the choice. That’s my fear guys, time goes by and one morning I wake up thinking “WHY CAN’T I DO THIS?” It was a new kind of fear for me. And then on the other side, the stream of fear [or maybe to more properly name it, the stream of freedoms I currently experience and feel in my life] that I just couldn’t decide if I wanted to change or not. Call me selfish [it’s okay, I call myself this as well], but I really like today’s decision that I’ll be out of town tomorrow for a concert. I also really like quiet and peaceful and sleeping. Oh my gosh, I love sleeping. And I’ve been in love with this for almost 36 years and with each passing month, I love these things more and more. And now you understand the predicament. I know I need to take this to God in the end, but I’m doing what I love to do with most things and keeping them “under my control” because it feels safer and more complicated. More complicated and messy that I have to do there is a weakness for [insert the eye covered monkey emoji here].

Surely, someone reading this understands and understands exactly what I mean. I need you in my life. I feel like a support group for “women who think they want to have children but also don’t believe they want to and are reaching the age where they grow tired and stiff from sitting for more than 5 minutes but can also be really fun with young people and try to do divisive things to show off their youth but then regret that decision two minutes later” seems necessary. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

SO.

About that cookie.





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