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This mother founded a COVID support group after losing her daughter


More than two years after the COVID-19 pandemic, the United States has reached a grim and painful milestone: As of this month, more than a million Americans have died from the virus, which has become third leading cause of death in country. It’s another marker that is less celebrated or acknowledged, an example of how the country as a whole is trying to weather the pandemic and its status quo, even as the virus continues to claim lives. But for those who have been directly affected, it can’t be helped.

Amber Carter has lost her 13-year-old daughter Anna, the first child to die from COVID-19 in Oklahoma, In July 2020. The Carters, a military family, have spent their days since sharing Anna’s story and connecting with others to find their own grief. Amber is a member of COVID Survivors for Change, a non-profit organization that works to advocate for policy to prevent future pandemics and support survivors. She also founded Anna Belle Carter Memorial Foundation and the Facebook support group Parents who lost their children to Covid-19. “With a tragedy like this, if you don’t find some meaningful purpose in their death, you can really get in trouble,” she told ELLE.com. “It’s our way of keeping them alive.” Below, Amber shares, in her own words, how it feels to lose Anna so suddenly – and how she hopes the country will change in the wake of these tragedies.


It’s hard to describe Anna. Whenever she walks into the room, everyone will be excited to see her. She was just having fun. She jumped. She jokes all the time. She really wanted to act. But she said if that hadn’t happened, she would have gone into the medical field, because she had scleroderma, an autoimmune disease that is quite rare for children.

In the winter of 2019, I remember hearing a little bit about some respiratory viruses in China. Then next thing you know, it’s in Washington State, and it affects all of these elderly people. The kids and I made some cloth masks together and sent a bunch to my mom, who lives in New York and works at a nursing home. My oldest daughter said, “I really care about Anna. What if she gets it? I worry that she will die.” In retrospect, maybe we should have cared more, because we didn’t really know what we were dealing with.

We don’t know exactly where we bought COVID-19, but my theory is that I could have gotten it somewhere like Walmart and brought it home. The week before July 4, I wasn’t feeling well, so I went to urgent care. They told me I might not have COVID, but I had a sinus infection, so they gave me some steroids and Z-Pak and sent me home. Of course, taking steroids, I felt great the next day. No one else in the family got sick, so I don’t think it’s something contagious.

On Saturday, July 4, we went to friends’ houses and had fireworks, just us and them. I’m not trying to make that clear; any interaction with people is judged at that time. But my husband was going to go to Okinawa for a year, and we wanted to see our friends. We were exposed to all of them by accident.

The following week, Anna went to dance camp, and on Tuesday, when my husband picked her up, she threw at the gas station. She said she felt really bad and thought maybe she drank too much in class. She was at home on Wednesdays and Thursdays, but she ate, drank, played on the computer, talked to her friends.

Anna in a white and pink dress stands with her family outside the church

Anna, center, with family in 2019.

Courtesy of Amber Carter

Then on Friday, she became comatose. By dinner time, she could barely walk, so we took her to the hospital. All of her vital signs are fine, but her body looks really green, and she’s really cold. They put a heating blanket on her and at one point a woman walked in to start the IV, and Anna passed out. I started screaming for the doctor to come back. They took her to another room, and I called my deacon from the church, and I said, “Get the priest down here, please. I think you have to give Anna her last rites. ” I called my husband and said, “You need to come down here. I think Anna is dying.” People from all over the emergency department got down on their knees in prayer with me. Me and my husband just begged her to come back. Then they declared her gone.

They say take our time, but I don’t want to leave her there. That was the last time I kissed her on the face. I begged and asked if they could get the vasectomy out of her throat so I could hug her, but they couldn’t, because they would take her for an autopsy. I asked if I could take her things, and they said no, they had to go with her. My husband and I got home, and when the kids saw us out the window with the deacon, they knew.

I never really asked God, Why our children? Why us? Because, why not us?

The hospital called and told us Anna had COVID, and they were pretty sure that was what happened to her body. They took an X-ray, and it actually damaged her lungs and caused her internal organs to stop working. The next day, my family was tested for COVID and all of us, even my toddler, were positive. It’s really hard to grieve and have COVID, because when you’re short of breath, you don’t know if it’s grieving or COVID. Our toddler also had a fever for 104 days. We couldn’t break it, and I was terrified. We took him to the hospital, and it was the doctor who was trying to save Anna’s life who sat and cried with us.

I never really asked God, Why our child? Whi us? Because, why not us? Our family is no more special than anyone else’s. I don’t want anyone’s child to die. I don’t want anyone’s grandmother or father or uncle or aunt to die. And they don’t have to — at least the numbers aren’t as high as they are now.

Then I just wanted to know that there is someone else like me out there. At the beginning of 2021, I think, I’m tired of looking. I want them to be able to find me, because if I’m looking for support, they too. I wanted to start this support group to help parents talk about the terrible things that are going through their heads.

Grieving my daughter is the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life, mentally, and I’ve been through some serious mental disorders throughout my years. But waking up every day to the realization that my baby isn’t here, and that I’ll never see her again — no matter what age your child is, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

I also just created a group for teenagers, which my 19-year-old daughter helps moderately. In the end, with a tragedy like this, if you don’t find some meaningful purpose in their death, you could really be in trouble. In addition to these two Facebook support groups, my family also started a non-profit right away for children with scleroderma and their siblings. We award scholarships directly to children which we award every year. Because we are a military family, we are fortunate to have TRICARE, and Anna is buried in the national cemetery, so we don’t have much to pay out of pocket. I have some great friends who created GoFundMe and it raised quite a bit of money, so we put that money into the fund. That’s where we found our purpose.

Anna Carter smiles and wears a striped tank top

Courtesy of Amber Carter

I feel, a lot of times, that life is pretty black and white. Sometimes there are gray areas, but protecting others from COVID shouldn’t be among them. I’ve heard people tell me my daughter didn’t die from COVID, and I’m crazy, because surely the autoimmune disease killed her, when in fact her life expectancy is over 80 years. . But when you’re grieving, anger is an easy place to go. If you want to find peace after your loved one passes away, you need to be able to forgive these people and move on.

This has even put a distance between me and my dad in the family. It definitely makes things a little more awkward between us, because I know how they feel when they get vaccinated. I don’t know why it is political; it blew my mind that people make it the way it is.

Going forward, I want everyone to be prepared for a health crisis related to the long-term effects of COVID. I also want people to realize that we need a COVID task force; We need support for children who have lost a caregiver. We should also have a national memorial. We needed something on the National Mall that said, ‘This happened to our country, and this can’t happen again’. These are the people. They are not numbers or statistics. Let their lives count for something.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

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