As for the stereotypical “no dramas” Aussie lifestyle, anyone who has been forced to sit through a four-hour-long health and safety online induction with multiple choice quiz questions along the way will know it’s basic common sense to reduce this to 20 minutes, tops. Don’t cut health and safety; cut the patronising red tape.
There’d be a bike lane on every street in Australia to decongest the roads and improve the public health system, which we know is, depending on where you live, is under increasing pressure as the population grows.
Police would be better trained to fight crimes like digital and domestic violence, online harassment and so-called revenge porn – not paid from the public purse to stand at traffic lights and book people for jaywalking or cyclists for hopping onto the footpath when a lorry threatens to kill them.
Comedy will stop being censored and will instead, only where absolutely necessary, be contextualised. We’ll stop demanding writers must come from the same demographics as their fictional characters.
Mobile phones would be banned from theatres and cinemas. If you can’t be off them for two hours, you need to take a long hard look at yourself (just not in your phone’s reverse camera selfie mode).
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All 16-year-olds should be eligible to vote. They can have sex, pay tax and drive before they’re 18, so they should have every right to vote.
Mentions of Christmas should be banned until after Halloween when Mariah Carey has been defrosted. Decorations are not to be hung, nor carols blasted across shopping centre speakers until December 1.
Nimbyism kills cities and excessive regulation on bars and clubs should be removed. If you don’t enjoy the liveliness that comes with living in the inner city, there’s a simple solution – move to another area that better suits your phase of life.
Curtail further automation and bring back humans in supermarkets, airports and across all public services. At the very least, it’d help the nation’s loneliness epidemic.
Talking in libraries will result in a steep fine; talking on your phone in a library will result in jail time.
School students should be taught tangible life skills more urgently than how to calculate the area of a trapezium. I’m talking changing a car or bike tyre, creating a resume, knowing what healthy (and unhealthy) food looks like to buy and cook, lodging a tax return, knowing how to process break-ups, grief, rejection and disappointment.
Finally, the minister should be using all diplomatic measures at their disposal to ensure Australia gains permanent membership in Eurovision. Not all participating countries are European, and our eccentric admission would be fitting with the idiosyncratic nature of the event. So wrong it’s right.
Common sense just goes that way sometimes.
Gary Nunn is a freelance writer based in Sydney.
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