Gary Chapman says he and his wife had “a lot of struggles” at the beginning of their marriage.
Chapman is the author of “5 Love Languages: How to Show a Genuine Commitment to Your Partner.” The book, published in 1992, describes five ways a person expresses or experiences love:
- service behavior
- body touch
- quality time
- Receiving gifts
- affirmation
Usually, a person speaks the love language they like to hear the most. Chapman was “affirmation,” something he gave his new wife unceasingly, he said.
“I told [my wife] How beautiful she looks and I appreciate what she did,” he said. I would tell her all day, ‘I love you. I love you. I love you,” he told CNBC Make It.
But the wife’s love language is “act of service.”
“One night she said to me,” You keep saying, “I love you.” Well, if you love me, why don’t you help me? “”
So he started helping.
“I wash the dishes, I take out the trash, I vacuum the floors, and she tells me I’m the greatest husband in the world,” he says, “and I know that’s exaggeration but it still feels so good. great.”
“Before that, she didn’t give me any affirmations, maybe because she didn’t think I deserved anything,” he said.
What is your love language?
Chapman says the problems he and his wife face are commonplace, which is why 30 years after it was first published, his book is still just conversation.
“What’s your love language?” has become a common question on dates and happy hour and is used as a code to improve romantic relationships, family and friends.
Chapman, a Southern Baptist pastor, says he invented the love language after decades of helping couples overcome difficulties at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where he and his wife live.
He said marriage counseling was something he was “pushed into” after becoming a pastor.
“Many times, couples have been sitting in my office, and one will say, ‘I feel like you don’t love me,’ and the other will say, ‘I don’t get that,'” he said.
“I know one can be sincere and still miss the other.”
For example, a wife who is not interested in a gift from her husband may not be hiding his feelings but completely ignoring it because of her love language, such as time. quality or physical touch, he says.
‘Roots are very problematic’
Despite the book’s success, Chapman’s beliefs and expertise have been questioned over the years.
For one, his PhD is in adult education – not psychotherapy.
And Chapman expressed heterosexual beliefs and only worked with heterosexual couples. When asked about same-sex couples, he said, “I don’t deal with all that, but, yes, in any relationship if you understand this concept, it enhances the relationship.” .”
However, intentionally or not, he created a sexist tool.
It is also approved by many therapists, although some have reservations.
Lisa Bobby, a psychologist and clinical director of Personal Development & Coaching in Denver, says a lot of relationship advice is now more inclusive than when Chapman published his book.
“I think what has evolved since then is a greater understanding of attachment styles as well as a greater understanding and appreciation of family, origins and cultures,” she said.
Some experts say Chapman’s identity should be looked into.
Lia Love Avellino, Psychotherapist and CEO of Speakan emotional wellness space in Brooklyn.
“Not just where it came from or who it was written by,” she said. “This is a language that makes sense to white, Catholic, straight men. It’s created a culture where people think you have to choose one thing, you have to have a specific way of communicating. body.”
But the book is also ‘easy to understand and accessible’
Chapman’s book is enduring because it can be used in almost any kind of relationship. Bobby said she often discusses love language with her patients, regardless of orientation.
“It provides a very understandable and accessible way of understanding and appreciating the differences we already have in an actionable way for our partners,” she said.
Pamela Larkin, a therapist who specializes in relationships, says the barrier to entry is also quite low. The test is multiple choice, free and takes only a few minutes.
The idea that there is a language out there that we can teach others to speak is empowering for someone.
Love Lia Avellino
Spoke’s CEO
“Some other personality assessments, like the Enneagram, are a little more contemplative and in-depth when it comes to motivation,” says Larkin. “Simpler love languages.”
The word “language” itself is comforting, says Avellino.
“The idea that there’s a language out there that we can teach others to speak is empowering: Some words already exist instead of me having to come up with them.”
Some relationships can ‘feel better instantly’
Along with being accessible, the concept of love language can actually be helpful and make relationships “feel better instantly,” says Bobby.
“Readers can understand all the different ways to give and receive love in a way that doesn’t diminish the importance of any one way,” she said. “Words of affirmation are not more important than physical feelings or vice versa.”
For Avellino, it helps her patients answer important questions.
“One thing I notice when I ask people in therapy, ‘What do you need?’ or ‘What do you want?’ most people don’t know how to respond,” she said. “This gives couples five pillars. There’s a standard language so don’t feel vulnerable when hanging out because there are established themes, so it has to be accepted. take.”
‘We don’t have an ego’
Larkin says the biggest danger in using love language is believing that the work stops there.
Knowing and even practicing your partner’s love language doesn’t get you to put your efforts elsewhere.
“Performing acts of service that do not compensate for need is still building trust, building respect, demonstrating honor, listening to each other, demonstrating mutual trust,” she said. “You still have to do those things.”
It can also be used in harmful ways during cycles of abuse, she says.
“There was an increase in stress, a period of severe abuse, and then a honeymoon phase,” she said. “Assuming someone knows their partner’s love language, they might go through other parts of the cycle and then use the honeymoon to say, give gifts, to try to say they’re sorry. ”
Another critique is that the five love languages are not all-inclusive.
“There are other ways to experience love and care that Dr Chapman didn’t cover in his book,” Bobby said. “For many people, intimate emotional conversations are the most important love language, and Dr. Chapman doesn’t mention those.”
Avellino says that your love language can also change throughout your life.
“We don’t have a single ego,” she said. “Different people have different needs, and circumstances change your needs.”
Chapman agrees that a person’s love language can change according to “their circumstances and seasons of life.”
The mother-of-two, he said, may find that for the first time in her life, “the act of service” is her most important love language.
Register now: Get smarter about your money and career with our weekly newsletter
Do not miss:
