That can be frustrating for an adult child but can be equally, if not more, challenging for parents.
“They begin to think, 'I have lived more than I have not lived; maybe I missed some things; Will I have time to achieve my goal?' This is the time to ask real questions,” said Nancy Pachana, director of the University of Queensland's Healthy Aging Initiative.
Make difficult decisions when it comes to your parents' health
Finding helpful resources and support as soon as you start caring for your parent is important, says Dr Amber Mills, director of research and policy at the Australian Geriatrics Society. non-profit like LiveUp provides free healthy aging information, and Live health helps educate caregivers about senior health issues, from falls to mental health.
“Reach out to professionals but also seek support for yourself as a carer. Whether it's time off or just someone to talk to and share burdens with. Are there any other family members who could step up? Mills said.
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There are many things an adult child may need to consider when caring for a parent. Are they taking the right medications, undergoing necessary surgeries, eating a balanced diet, and getting enough exercise? This can quickly become overwhelming, so Lee-Fay Low, a professor of aging and health at the University of Sydney, suggests developing a routine (such as regular doctor visits). before any kind of health crisis occurs. This can make the transition easier and allow your parents to have more say in every decision.
“I will try to find my parents a good general practitioner and relevant specialists,” Low said. “Geriatricians are especially helpful in comprehensively managing the health care of the elderly. I will also recommend, and sometimes insist on, going to important medical appointments.”
Navigating parents' finances
Depending on your parents' specific financial situation, Bryant says adult children can often assist by offering to help with online banking or taking them to a physical branch.
If parents remain in good mental capacity, it is important that they maintain control of their finances. However, Bryant says you can help protect their accounts by encouraging them to strengthen their passwords and consider removing any landlines in their home.
“Scammers often target landlines because they know older people are more likely to use them,” Bryant said. “And as a simple rule, you can suggest that they never answer unknown calls on their cell phones. Make sure there are significant numbers on their contact list.”
Ensure your parents' safety without compromising their independence
Removing any tripping hazards (like carpets and cables), improving lighting, and even installing handrails can make your parent's home safer, says Mills.
Some older parents may be determined to continue driving, climbing ladders or mowing the lawn – all of these activities help maintain a sense of independence. Instead of just asking them to stop, Pachana suggests turning it into an open discussion or a transaction.
“If I can help you, you can help me – that implies a level of respect and each side is equal. Or frame the conversation another way, like saying, 'How about you relax and I'll clean your gutters?'”
Adult children can help their parents give up driving by helping with things like groceries and banking.Credit: istock
Regarding driving, some states (including NSW and Queensland) require people over the age of 75 to complete a medical assessment with a GP or undergo driving assessments. If your parents advise you to stop driving, Pachana suggests the University of Queensland's opinion XeFreeMeHelping older people easily enter a life without driving.
Prioritize your parents' social life
“People who are socially isolated are at higher risk for physical health problems and dementia,” says Pachana. “It doesn't have to be super close relationships – ancillary relationships are also important.”
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This can include simple things like encouraging your parents to join a bird watching group, taking them to museums, or involving them in family gatherings.
Deciding when someone should move into a nursing home can be extremely challenging. Bryant believes it's best for parents to make their wishes clear while they're still physically and mentally capable. This may include a family meeting or a written document stating where the parents want to go when they can no longer live in their own home.
If you are the one bringing up this topic, your language matters. Bryant suggests avoiding terms like “moving you in” or “bringing you in.”
“If possible, make a joint decision,” she says. “Recognize that this can be quite a time-consuming process. Try to maximize their choices.”
How to know if you're exceeding the limit
Boundaries must be respected to ensure your parents maintain their own identity. When Cathy, 66, of Melbourne, cared for her father before he passed away, it was important that she respected his values rather than imposing her own preferences on him.
“An environment with lots of flowers would not be his preference. He would probably love his football team jersey, or something like that,” Cathy said, referring to the decoration of the room at her father's residential care home. “Recite what your parents used to do and try to arrange things in a way that reflects that.”
It's also possible to fall into the trap of benevolent ageism, Pachana says. Adult children may mean well, but their decisions may be based on negative stereotypes about aging such as incompetence and vulnerability.
“It doesn't make parents feel great, it makes them older,” Pachana said. “This can really erode the important relationship between parent and child.”
Ultimately, you will rarely have complete control over your parents. Whether sharing it with your parents, their health professional or other family members, it's important to find common ground, Bryant said.
“Acknowledge that there will be challenges, but try to make it a shared journey,” she says. “Humor can also defuse the situation. You might say, 'I know it's a bit odd to say this to you after all these years, Dad.' Let's find opportunities to make things a little easier.”
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