How to talk about end-of-life arrangements with elderly loved ones

Amy Pickard wants you to talk about death. In particular, she wants you to make health care plans and end-of-life arrangements for your loved ones.

She knows that talking about death makes most people nervous. But the Southern Californian who runs a consulting firm at the end of his life Good to go!, indicates that a clumsy but respectful conversation now alleviates the pain of loss when the inevitable happens and allows everyone to respect the wishes of the deceased loved one.

“I tell grown kids to say to their parents, ‘Hey, I’m putting all my plans in advance, and I just realized that if I don’t know what I want, then you probably won’t. who knows,'” she said. speak. “’And then I thought if something happened to you guys, I wouldn’t know what to do, and that terrified me.’”

But why is it so hard for adults to talk about death?

For some, it stems from a fear of death, says author Cameron Huddleston. She says that having to talk about end-of-life arrangements is like being forced to think about death.

As she was writing her book, “Parents, we need to talk: How to have the necessary conversations with parents about their finances,” Huddleston found that these conversations also made people feel that their time was running out.

“However, avoiding the subject doesn’t mean you can avoid the inevitable,” she says. “It just means you probably won’t have a plan for your death and you’ll make things harder for the people you leave behind.”

Why do we need to talk about death?

Pickard and other end-of-life planning advocates find that sharing their personal experiences helps normalize the conversation. Pickard shares with clients the grieving experience of losing her mother, who passed away suddenly at the age of 67.

“So I was in the wilderness of grief, and at the same time I had to suddenly become an accountant, a florist, a detective, a travel agent, a real estate appraiser and all these things. And I’m not that stuff, she said.

Her mother left no instructions or wishes. Pickard describes the work that entwines her mother’s life as overwhelmingly emotional labor.

While grieving a parent’s death, you may also have to plan a memorial service, end a monthly magazine subscription, and notify others of their death. It’s not easy to organize these last tasks or wishes if you don’t know what someone wants or where their information is stored.

It’s pain combined with frustrating tasks in the best of times. To avoid that, you’ll have to have a tough conversation that the parents might not be ready for. Ask if your parents want to be buried or cremated (or something else entirely) can elicit responses like “I’m not that old” or “Why, are you trying to get rid of me?” No, you’re not, but you can’t be their supporter if you don’t know what they want.

“You can admit that the subject is uncomfortable, but you can say that you would be even more uncomfortable making arrangements for them without their input,” says Huddleston.

Failure to receive parental wishes for health care and end-of-life guidance can leave a child wondering if they are making the right decisions.

Sorting through one’s belongings for information can also be an overwhelming experience.

When Pickard’s mother died, she had no direction to follow. Just as she went to her mother’s apartment in Chicago to cancel her utility bills and take care of other deadly obligations, Pickard realized she didn’t know the name of the electric company that turned on the lights.

“I would give anything to talk to my mother again,” she said. “Not to tell her I love her, but to get her Wi-Fi password.”

At the end of the day, having this information ready allows people to focus on love, says Pickard — how much the person is loved and how much people love them.

This future peace of mind extends to the person who has fulfilled their end-of-life wishes. These instructions are more than just a regular bill cancellation, Pickard said. For an adult child, it may be the last time a parent or guardian takes care of them.

Huddleston adds, “Think of giving your family your last wish as a gift — your ultimate gift to them. You will make it easier for them during difficult times by creating a blueprint they can follow.”

Start a conversation

There is no one right way to approach this conversation. It really depends on who you are talking to.

Kate DeBartolo’s conversation project, an initiative of the Institute for Health Improvement. For example, DeBartolo says, if you’re planning a two-week visit with your parents, let them know in advance that you’re thinking about the topic and you want to talk about it with them.

This gives the person a chance to think about what they want if they don’t already have it.

You can sit down and talk about it over a cup of coffee or bring it into your everyday conversation when it feels natural.

If you’re watching a TV show or a movie depicting a funeral, that can spur conversation. You could say, “That made me realize I wasn’t sure what you wanted in that situation” or “Do you agree with the decision that character made for their parents?” DeBartolo said.

It can be a live chat or it can be done with many people.

“I heard a woman say she made dessert for her family on Thanksgiving and she took them all hostage and said, ‘No pumpkin pie until you tell me. know how you want to die,'” DeBartolo said. “And people would go around the table and talk about it, and that worked for her family.”

Have a chat

Before you touch on this topic, DeBartolo wants you to keep the following in mind:

• Your question will not be resolved by a chat. The more you discuss it, the easier it will be for someone to talk about it and share their thoughts.
• Don’t wait until the end of someone’s life to talk about their wishes. There is a misconception that this conversation should happen with older people. DeBartolo argues that everyone over the age of 18 should sort it out or at least start talking about it. Remember that the information will need to be updated whenever you move, get married, divorced, or have children.
• Don’t start the conversation with financial questions. You can give a person the wrong impression — that you only care about their money.
• Be an active listener. The person you are talking to may not give you a straight answer. DeBartolo says a grandmother can say she wants “home” to be part of her hospice care. Making sure Grandma stays at home may not be possible, but “staying home” could mean eating home-cooked meals, living in a cat-friendly facility, or bringing her personal belongings.

Finally, when you’re ready to contact someone, remember to arrange the conversation with compassion. This is not a heartbreaking talk, says DeBartolo. It can be love, a time to share memories.
During the conversation, Huddleston said, at least learn the following:

• How the person wants their remains handled. If burial is their option, ask if they have purchased any land or where they would like to be buried.
• What kind of memorial do they want, including music selection and who will speak.
• Names and contact information of the people they wish to be notified of their deaths.
• Information for obituaries.
• Location of wills, trusts and any life insurance policies.
• A list of assets and accounts, including things like the name of their utility company — as well as their computer and Wi-Fi credentials.
• Any specific instructions on how they want their heirs to handle their inheritance.
• Arrange for children or pets.

Some people will never want to talk about this out loud, and DeBartolo says that’s okay too. Let them know you’re willing to listen to how they want the end of their life to be handled in whatever way they feel comfortable communicating that. If they can send you an email or a text guide or tell you where their important documents are, that’s enough.

Resources

Dialogue Project has a free getting started guide and focuses on end-of-life health care.

Good to go! sell “departure records” and provide consulting services in a private or group setting. The latter part is called Good Good to Go! Parties,” a fun gathering to talk, eat, and fill out departure records.

care informationa program of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Foundation, with guidelines and resources to help make the difference between hospice and palliative care or what you need to create pre-market.

International End-of-Life Doula Assn. There is a list of doulas that can assist with advanced care planning.

Death cafe, in person or online, are group discussions about death that have no agenda, goals, or topics. It is a discussion group and does not offer grief support or advice.

Office of the Attorney General of California has a hospice checklist, resources including information about Medicare, an advance healthcare directive checklist, etc.