Really listen
Lissy Abrahams, a Sydney-based relationships psychotherapist, explains that the discomfort often associated with small talk can be attributed to a fear that we’re being heavily scrutinised for what we say.
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A way to work around this issue is to try and truly engage with what the person you’re sitting or standing next to is chatting about – and not just in a polite, head-nodding type of way.
“Deflection is an effective method for small talk. If you’re not great at it, people love talking about themselves – so have a few questions up your sleeve. People love talking about their dogs, birth stories, kids, operations, all of those sorts of things,” Abrahams says. “Really listen with some curiosity and just be really interested in what they’re saying”.
Embrace being boring
This being said, Abrahams also asserts that letting go of trying to be wildly fascinating and great at small talk can be very liberating and make conversations feel much less tense. “I think we have all these expectations that people need to be good at everything. If people aren’t good at small talk, I actually think it’s OK,” Abrahams says.
We all feel a primitive desire to connect with one another, but if your small talk is flailing, or you fear you may be boring somebody, Abrahams assures us that it is not the end of the world. Even if we are a little uninspiring, people will care a lot less about that than we may lead ourselves to believe.
Remember why small talk is important
And finally, while we may all be loath to admit it, both Wells and Abrahams say that it is worth remembering that small talk plays an important social role. “Small talk helps you establish and strengthen social connections and it can serve as a precursor to more meaningful conversations and relationships,” Wells says.
Abrahams also notes that in reminding ourselves of the value of small talk, particularly on a day like Christmas, we can increase our enjoyment of it.
“Our lives are stressful and this time of year is very stressful for a lot of people, so I think there is some value in small talk – even if you’re not good at it – it can lighten the mood and keep people away from those really heavy topics.”
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