“What’s wrong with this guy?” CS Santosh often looks in the mirror and wonders. He had no broken bones, no scars. Outwardly, he is a completely normal looking guy. However, he cannot sit up without serious effort, cannot walk without support, and most of the time feels inexplicably drowsy.
In January last year, Santosh, India’s first Dakar Rally racer, was involved in a devastating crash. Traveling at about 135 km / h on a gravel track in stage 4 of Dakar Saudi Arabia, the 38-year-old Hero MotoCorp rider lost control, hit his head on a rock, lost consciousness, had to be resuscitated and was taken to Riyadh hospital. . He suffered a brain injury – Diffuse Axonal Injury – and was placed in a medically induced coma for almost two weeks.
Santosh wakes up with double vision, dislocated his left shoulder, and has no memory of the accident that changed his life. He is battling depression and trying to understand who he is and what he has become.
“I look back at myself and wonder ‘what’s wrong with this guy?’ You know, I don’t consider myself me.” You don’t have a broken bone, you’re perfectly fine and you’re telling me that You can’t walk on your own, are you kidding me? I will scold myself. Accepting that something is wrong with me is a difficult first step. My sense of humanity was gone. You always read about athletes being the strongest out there. Books and movies always tell you about the difficulties they overcame. But some aspects are not known to the whole world. I never imagined myself being depressed. To tackle that problem with medication is another important step. I didn’t. I don’t know anyone else who’s been through the same kind of trauma and ordeal as I have.
Months after his accident, he underwent rehab at the Isokinetic Center in Bologna to regain his motor skills. “The first time I came home from the hospital, my house, my room and everything else felt foreign. But when I sat on my Xpulse bike, and the wheels hit the floor, I felt like I was myself. did it yesterday.”
An athlete on the Red Bull roster, Santosh later rode his racing motorcycle with navigation in Spain. “I wanted to show people that I was completely normal. But I struggled and suffered. I thought, ‘Oh my God, what’s wrong with me?” Then, Red Bull Performance suggested he go to Schulthess Klinik in Switzerland for a cognitive test. “I wanted them to tell me that I was completely fine and nothing was wrong with me. That was my plan. But they told me that everything was not okay with me. I failed all the tests. mine.”
It’s not just his perception that’s impaired. He had to deal with other discoveries. “As a man, when you see a beautiful woman, something stirs in you.” Santosh paused to gather her words, “All of that is gone. My testosterone is gone. I’ve lost my libido. I see women as not the opposite sex, but just people. I think I’m having the best relationships right now.” Most people don’t talk about these things, which is why I think I should. No guy who’s been through what I’ve done will ever feel alone. “
“First I’m trying to act like a normal human being”
CS Santosh
In his battle to find himself, Santosh didn’t come across too many references to other athletes with similar health conditions. “If you break a bone, that’s not the worst thing. But when you hit your head, the hardest aspect is you have to understand what you need to do because every day is about recovery. Awareness says a lot. who you are in life. When that’s affected, everything else is affected too. It’s a weird place to get stuck.”
Two athletes he can borrow experience from are former Finnish rider and World Rally champion Ari Vatanen and MotoGP rider Marc Marquez. Vatanen battles depression after a horrific accident in 1985 left him with multiple broken bones while eight-time world champion Marquez is dealing with double vision following the accident.
Over the past few months, Santosh has put his life together like a jigsaw puzzle. He had watched videos of Dakar’s previous demonstrations to his own astonishment, and often politely asked acquaintances to take their pictures so he could try to string together the faces with memories. “When I watched videos of my old protest after waking up from a coma, I was like, ‘Oh, that’s unbelievable.’ I can’t believe it’s me.”
A week ago, he put together the third version of his pet project – Red Bull Ace of Dirt – with more than 60 riders competing on a specially laid out track consisting of elements motor racing, dirt roads and endurance.
Racers must navigate a maze of obstacles – sinkholes, soggy clay pits, stairs made from excavator rear tires, medians used on the road and a wall set at 45 degrees next to a rock, over two days at his Big Rock facility on the outskirts of Bengaluru. For the first time ever, the event attracted four international riders including Sandra Gomez and Dakar Malle Moto winner Arunas Gelazninkas. “Because I couldn’t work on many different aspects of my life as an athlete, I threw everything I had at this year’s ace,” Santosh said, “I want to make it an event that riders all over the world will aspire to participate in, like they sign up for Dakar. I want it to grow into one of those races.”
With the passage of time and the progress of his recovery, what Santosh is certain about right now is that he is not a bad dream. “For the first few months, I said to my parents and girlfriend every day, ‘don’t worry, I’m imagining all of this’. I’m pretty sure I’m sleeping in my camp somewhere somewhere. , dream all.”
Through periods of depression, Santosh immersed herself in history, trying to figure out why the Dakar rally – which traversed thousands of kilometers of difficult terrain, often across countries – was so important. important to you. “Because that’s human nature,” he said. “A small group of people gathered in Africa, which is said to be the origin of the human race. Migration has always been a part of us. It’s because every day when you wake up, the reality is that you’re not. know what will happen, and that as many things can happen in a day as anyone who lived 10,000-15,000 years ago, don’t they?That’s why I love Dakar. My human need is to want to migrate. I want to be able to live every day with so many possibilities.”
Santosh is living at Big Rock Park in Kolar, away from the bustle of Bengaluru. He is trying to navigate the basics of everyday life without tripping and often rides his XPulse to neighboring villages. “First, I’m trying to function like a normal human being,” he said, “Four months ago, when I met my friends, I was so tired that even after a conversation, I would go to bed. Recovery is going to take longer than I expected and the doctors have asked me not to be too hard on myself It is getting better every day to the extent that I can handle and live behave like a normal person”, Santosh said, “Now I remember who I was and who I am. I’m trying to make the physical side of me at least work. Then, hopefully, the strength takes over. consciousness will return.”
Even when his world is turned upside down and turned upside down, Santosh’s love for what he does remains unwavering. He doesn’t see a horrible accident and a post-death episode as signs that leave behind the perilous version of the life he’s lived.
“For me, Dakar is more than just a race,” he said, “The only motivation I have since lying in bed is wanting to get my life back. My life basically means racing motorcycles in the desert. That’s what I remember about my life pretty much. I want that back. “
