You may have read a lot about 2022 GMC Hummer EV and its specs and hyperbolic performance. What you haven’t heard, until now, are the behind-the-scenes stories and brags from the machine itself. Prior to the launch of the Hummer EV, CD scored an exclusive interview with GM’s new flagship 4×4, no subject matter being ruled out. This transcript has been edited for clarity and profanity.
C/D: Thanks for talking to us. You’re clearly a big deal for GM, but you’re also the most controversial new car in years. Do you think that would be the case if you were Chevy instead of Hummer?
Hummer EV: Sorry, I didn’t listen. I was just thinking about how my 1487-pound payload means I can carry over 140 cartons of Muscle Milk.
C/D: I’m asking about your brand, Hummer, carrying a lot of baggage that might not be there if you’re Chevy.
Hummer EV: I’m GMC, brah! That’s like a Chevy with a better credit rating. They had to give me a GMC because the hippies burned down all of my dealerships like 2009. At least, that’s what Bumblebee told me. I know Bumblebee.
C/D: Okay, let’s continue. You’ve made a big deal about “Curring Mode”, where the rear axle steers in phase with the front. What is the use case for that?
Hummer EV: Get out of your mom’s driveway.
C/D: Try another way. You said that the Rivian R1T “Looks like you found something in your car”. Can you be more specific about that?
Hummer EV: (Giggle) You said “idiot”.
C/D: Let me rephrase. Do you think you’re being too hard on Rivian?
Hummer EV: (Giggle more) You said—
C/D: Anyway! According to our scales, you weigh more than 9000 pounds. Does that contradict your message about sustainability?
Hummer EV: Oh, so I weigh that on your mainstream media scale? Right. I probably weigh less than that. Or more. Who cares? Eighteen-wheelers can weigh 80,000 pounds. Think about how much ships weigh, or the moon. No one talks about those things.
C/D: Your “Watts to Freedom” mode obviously means a different meaning when used in its abbreviated form, “WTF”. Would you say it is a way of possessing the mockery many people feel towards your brand?
Hummer EV: I can’t read.
C/D: Fine, let’s talk about the battery. Detractors say that mining raw materials for your battery is bad for the environment and that when the battery fails, it takes up space in a landfill.
Hummer EV: If you recycle all copies of Tiger Beat instead of tossing them in the trash, maybe there’s more room in the landfill, sir. It’s a joke, not a joke. But really, I think when I need a new battery, I’m going to go all out and make a new Grand Canyon and throw the old one in there. And then someone can exploit it again and you can cry about it.
C/D: Do you ever talk to any of your loved ones? We heard you are the black sheep of the family.
Hummer EV: I like the H1 and H3 Alpha SUT, but the others hate me because they’re not me. If you see an H2 without 24-inch chrome wheels and low tires, give them my number. But I doubt my phone will ring. Last time I watched H2, there was a comment about electric motors being useless except to start petrol engines and I shouldn’t have heard, but I was right there. My family, they forgot that I was quiet. I’m a 9000-pound ninja, son.
C/D: Do you think part of your attitude stems from resentment toward internal combustion trucks, particularly the use of ICEing — parking the combustion vehicle in front of an EV charger?
Hummer EV: I parked in front of the lulz-only diesel pump, so I got it. I have 1000 hp and a t-shirt, if you’re looking for the source of my ultimate awesomeness.
C/D: That’s not really what I asked, but OK. Do you expect your marketing campaign to target internal combustion trucks? Like maybe show you pulling a Ford F-350 out of a mud pit or similar?
Hummer EV: I tow the F-350s in mud pits. I’m not here to make friends. Unless you’re Trans Am. In that case I would be like, “’Sup? Nice t-shirt. ”
Vehicle and Driver
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