It was politics as usual once again on Saturday Night Live, as this week’s cold open took on the aftermath of Joe Biden’s (Mikey Day) long-awaited meeting with China’s president Xi Jinping. While the (real) president has confirmed that “real progress” was indeed made during his tête-à-tête with President Xi Jinping (or, as he calls him here, “President Roman Numeral Eleven”), he may have undone some of that goodwill when he called Xi a “dictator” following their meeting… then did it again. But this Biden tried to paint a sunnier picture.
“This meeting was a total win,” he claimed. “Sure, we made agreements about communications, fentanyl, climate change. But, most importantly, we got the thing America needs right now: More pandas!”
While the black-and-white bears are certainly a reason to celebrate, a Wall Street Journal reporter (Heidi Gardner) asked the question on everyone’s mind when she reminded the president that “China relations broke off this past year partly because you called President Xi a dictator… But your summit last week saw remarkable strides in mending that relationship. Would you like to completely undo your accomplishment by calling him a ‘dictator’ again?”
“I would,” the president replied. “Next question.”
When a reporter from The Washington Post asked about the border crisis, Biden attempted the fake elevator move to avoid answering the question. But since all anyone really wanted to talk about were the giant pandas coming and going, the press conference—and the president—were saved when Biden welcomed Tian Tian (Bowen Yang) the giant panda to share the podium.
After explaining that he prefers the term “slim-thick” to “giant,” Tian Tian asked, “Am I the only one who is surprised that the presidents of the two biggest economies in the world met and everyone’s just like, ‘What’s up with the pandas?’”
“I mean, like, I get it: I’m hot, I’m smart, I’m alluringly asexual,” Tian Tian continued. “But there have to be bigger issues, right?” To which the president replied: “Not tonight.”
At that point, many of the questions were directed at Tian Tian, who admitted that he was going to miss America for a variety of reasons, including the “legal weed.” He also lamented the fact that he doesn’t know anyone in China, and will now be forced to have to make friends as an adult. Ultimately, he explained, “I just want to eat bamboo, sneeze in a cute way, and not have sex.”
Biden got a little annoyed when all the questions were directed at Tian Tian, so asked for someone to direct a query his way. When that led one journalist to ask about Biden’s Middle East policy, he quickly changed his mind and decided that “people are really liking the panda—next question.”
Ultimately, Tian Tian declared that “As the rare person who identifies as black, white, and Chinese, I feel like I’m in the unique position to unite many peoples of the world. I’m just like another hot Blasian icon: Tiger Woods. Except for, again, I hate sex.”
While Tian Tian admits that he loves America, and it’s really the only home he has known, he thinks now is the perfect time to head back to China, given Donald Trump’s popularity in the polls and the immigration plans he has laid out, which Tian Tian described as “a disaster. He said he’ll round up immigrants and put them in camps. Democracy might end. There might be a civil war!”
When asked if that meant he would be voting for Biden, Tian Tian made it clear that he was still undecided.
