Although the marriage rate is declining in the United States, the number of cohabitants continues to trend in the opposite direction.
In 2010, 49.2% of adults cohabited at one point in their lives and 47.4% were married, according to US Census Bureau data. 10 years on and the gap continues to widen: In 2020, 58.9% of American adults were cohabiting and 47.7% were married.
But just because a step like this is common doesn’t mean it’s normal.
Jessica Small, marriage counselor and therapist at Growing Self Coaching & Consulting in Denver, Colorado. “Having a conversation allows the two of you to determine what it takes to set up your relationship to succeed as you take this next step,” she says.
Here are some key questions that will help start the conversation.
6 questions to ask before moving in together
Why do we want to move in together?
If the reason you want to move in with your partner is because rent is cheaper or because you feel social pressure, you might want to take a step back, she says.
“Living together is a huge step forward in a relationship, and ideally you want to make the choice because you believe the relationship has what it takes for a long-term partnership, not just because it’s convenient, better for financial purposes or because all the rest of your friends are doing it,” she said.
“Relationships work best when they’re based on wants instead of on needs.”
“Relationships work best when they’re based on wants instead of on needs.”
How will we divide household chores and financial responsibilities?
Many couples believe that everyday habits, like the way the other person flushes the dishwasher or squeezes toothpaste, creates conflict. This rarely happens, Small said.
“I can tell you after a decade as a couples counselor, these things have never been an issue,” she says. “The biggest problems frequently posed for cohabiting couples are the unfair division of labor and general personality differences.”
Is your partner neat or messy? An early riser or a night owl? How would you split your spending on groceries or furniture? All of this should be discussed before moving on to setting realistic expectations.
What are we worried about?
Moving on is fun! However, it can also create a whole new set of concerns, concerns that you should communicate with your partner. If the two of you know what the other person is worried about, you can better deal with it.
It’s also normal to worry about what you’re losing, says Small.
“People don’t often ask themselves what sacrifices they will have to make when they move in with a partner and then feel caught off guard and overwhelmed by their grieving experience,” she says.
Even when a person is ready and happy to live with their partner, she says, it’s not uncommon for them to miss being alone or miss their previous roommate. “These feelings are normal and valuable, and it’s easier to manage these emotions if you’re prepared for them and have communicated, you can feel the same way with your partner.” she said. “It’s important for couples to respect these diverse emotions.”
Other important questions to ask:
You want to know as much as possible about your partner’s expectations in order to limit your own work. Other questions to ask, Small said, include:
- What would life be like, I imagine? Think about what it’s like to have dinner together every night, wake up in the morning, have coffee together, and cook together.
- In six months or a year, what will happen that makes me feel like living together is a success?
- What does this next step mean for our relationship? For example, if one of you sees this as a step toward marriage and the other doesn’t, that should be discussed.
“By asking each other these questions, you have an opportunity to ensure that you are the right fit and have the right expectations,” she says.
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